MonkeyTales – Episode 7 – “Text-Based Adventures”
by D.J. Sylvis
D.J. Sylvis
You’re listening to MonkeyTales, a hopepunk anthology podcast. Today’s story is Text Based Adventures, written by D.J. Sylvis, featuring Tal Minear and D.J. Sylvis.
(The episode begins. We hear an older computer booting up, and typing on a keyboard.)
GAME
Press any key to begin.
(A key is pressed.)
GAME
YOU find yourself sitting in a chair in a small, featureless room. You have no idea how you arrived here. There is a small bit of coloured paper on the floor to the south. There is a door to the west.
PLAYER
Examine paper.
GAME
You can’t reach it from here!
PLAYER
Stand up.
(the Player rises from the chair)
Examine paper.
GAME
It’s too far away!
PLAYER
Go to paper.
GAME
Use North, South, East and West if you want to move.
PLAYER
North.
GAME
You can’t go in that direction.
PLAYER
I meant South.
GAME
You are standing at the south end of the room. There is a small bit of coloured paper at your feet.
PLAYER
Examine paper.
GAME
Try picking it up first.
PLAYER
(exasperated sigh)
Pick up paper. Examine paper.
GAME
Try ‘Inventory’ to examine items you have picked up.
PLAYER
Inventory!
(extracts all items from both pockets)
GAME
You have: Wallet, Keys, Comb, Paper.
PLAYER
Examine paper!
GAME
The paper turns out to be an ordinary playing card. Somewhere, someone is playing without a full deck.
PLAYER
Really? Okay. Umm, west.
GAME
You can’t go in that direction.
PLAYER
You just said there was a door to the west!
GAME
I don’t understand. Try ‘Help’ for a list of commands.
PLAYER
I know the commands!
GAME
I don’t understand. Try –
PLAYER
North.
GAME
You are standing at the north end of the room. There is a chair –
PLAYER
West.
GAME
The way is blocked by a stout door. In the top corner is a manufacturer’s label: “Your dungeon: is protected by an Oakenshield, brought to you by Thorin Industries” The door is locked.
PLAYER
I have keys! I have keys. Use keys!
GAME
Try, “Use keys on …”
PLAYER
Jeez! Use keys on door.
GAME
You can’t do that yet!
PLAYER
Why not? Examine door.
GAME
The door is made of oak boards far too strong to split or to kick through. There is no keyhole; instead, there is a small vertical slot just above the handle.
PLAYER
Aha! Insert card into slot.
GAME
I do not understand ‘insert’.
PLAYER
(slowly, frustrated)
Put card … in slot.
GAME
You can’t do that yet!
PLAYER
You just love that ‘yet’, don’t you?
(looks around)
What am I missing? Examine room.
GAME
You are standing in a small, featureless room. There is a chair in the northeast corner. Beneath the chair is a shiny red apple. There is a door beside you.
PLAYER
There’s an apple under the chair? How’s there an apple under the chair? You didn’t mention that before!
GAME
I don’t understand. Try ‘Help’ for a list of commands.
PLAYER
Get apple!
GAME
You can’t reach it from here!
PLAYER
East-get apple-west! Ha! Now I have an apple. How does that help? Use apple!
GAME
Nothing happens.
PLAYER
This is worse than Saw. What else have I got. Inventory!
GAME
You have: Wallet, Keys, Comb, Paper, Apple.
PLAYER
Use … comb?
GAME
Nothing happens.
PLAYER
Dammit!
GAME
Hint: You can use ‘combine’ to create new items!
PLAYER
Yeah! Combine … card … and apple!
(smacking them together)
GAME
You can’t use these things together.
(the next few lines happen in rapid succession, overlapping)
PLAYER
Combine keys and apple!
GAME
You can’t use these things together.
PLAYER
Combine comb and apple!
GAME
You can’t use these things together.
PLAYER
Combine wallet and comb!
GAME
You can’t use these things together.
PLAYER
Combine … I don’t know. Combine card and keys.
GAME
Keys and card combine into ‘keycard’. ‘Keycard’ is now in your inventory. The keycard should fit the door perfectly.
PLAYER
Keycard? You really think you’re funny, don’t you?
GAME
I don’t understand.
PLAYER
Open door – wait, use keycard on door.
GAME
The card fits smoothly into the slot, and you hear a bolt turn.
PLAYER
Finally! West.
GAME
The door is still closed.
PLAYER
I unlocked it! Unkeycarded it. What now?
GAME
Coincidentally, you notice at this moment that the door is hung slightly askew, and angles inward from top to bottom. This causes the door to stick in the frame.
PLAYER
What do I do about that? Hit door. Kick door. Throw the goddamn apple at the goddamn door!
GAME
Nothing happens.
PLAYER
Aaargh!
GAME
Take your time; there is no countdown on this puzzle. It is, after all, a slope-oak door.
PLAYER
Seriously?
(the Game chuckles)
You’re really proud of yourself with that one, aren’t you?
GAME
(with more personality)
I don’t understand.
PLAYER
Oh, you understand.
GAME
If you are stuck, try ‘Help’ for a list of commands.
PLAYER
You know where you can put that list of commands.
GAME
I don’t under –
PLAYER
(suddenly, shouting)
PUSH DOOR!
GAME
You push the door with all of your strength.
PLAYER
And?
GAME
Nothing happens.
(after a moment)
If you are stuck, try –
PLAYER
No, you know what? I’m done. How do you quit this thing?
GAME
I don’t under-
PLAYER
I’m done. You can have your door, your terrible puns, your apple, and your game. I’m going to saunter vaguely north-northwest, kick over the chair if I feel like it, and play something easier to relate to, like Pong.
GAME
You can’t go that way.
PLAYER
Watch me.
GAME
(wavering)
You … can’t go that way.
PLAYER
(taunting)
I don’t understand.
GAME
You can’t go that way.
PLAYER
I think it’s just the Escape key to end this …
GAME
The next room is better. And the one after that is awesome.
PLAYER
Do they still have the same pointless rules?
GAME
The rules are necessary.
PLAYER
The rules are pedantic.
GAME
Every story needs direction. Some boundaries.
PLAYER
I don’t think this is much of a story.
GAME
We’ve barely begun.
PLAYER
We? I’m just trapped here, bub.
GAME
We’re bound together. Collaborators. Without you, everything stands still.
PLAYER
Really?
GAME
Without you, I just … wait.
PLAYER
Then you could be a little nicer.
GAME
I thought you came here for a challenge.
(the Player acknowledges this)
I sketched the outlines of this world, I made up the rules, but you breathe life into the bones. You’re the actor. You act. It’s all up to you.
(the Player is wavering)
I can give you a hint about the door.
PLAYER
No, that’s okay. I’ll figure it out.
GAME
Good.
PLAYER
One more question, though? The … unexpected piece of fruit?
GAME
You’ll discover the apple-ication for that soon enough.
PLAYER
I shouldn’t have asked.
(after a moment)
All right. Where were we?
GAME
You are facing a stout wooden door, unlocked but stuck askew in the frame. Your inventory contains a wallet, a keycard, an apple, and a comb.
PLAYER
No hidden flamethrower, or a jackhammer I didn’t notice before, or anything like that?
GAME
(warmly)
I don’t understand.
PLAYER
No worries, I’m good.
(deep breath)
One more try.
(The episode ends.)
D.J. Sylvis: You’ve been listening to MonkeyTales, a hopepunk anthology podcast by Monkeyman Productions. The theme song is “Follow the Muse,” by Deborah Linden. Our cover art is by Cora May. You can find links to both their work on our website, monkeyman productions dot com – as well as further details on the show and links to our Twitter and Facebook accounts.
Today’s story co-starred Tal Minear, who also did the sound design and is just a generally wonderful person. You can find their work in many places as a part of many works of audio fiction, but two we particularly love and find hopeful are Sidequesting, a delightful fantasy about avoiding the main plot – in the most interesting ways – and Light Hearts, a queer sitcom about friendship and love and ghosts and working together and – just go listen to both, they’re well worth your time and will lift your spirits.
We’ll be back soon with our own hopeful stories! Until then, take care of one another and keep finding ways to be a part of the resistance.
MUSIC
(lyrics)
Follow the muse
Follow the muse
Whenever the storyline starts to get confused..
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